


To catch the Kaitou Kid

by Kitty_Shinju (Queen_Kit)



Series: Loosely connected Detective Conan/ Kaito Kid stories [1]
Category: Magic Kaito
Genre: Crack, Don’t copy to another site, Gen, Humor, Magic, Out of Character, Shapeshifting, Teleportation, potential time travel
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2010-02-02
Updated: 2010-09-20
Packaged: 2019-11-09 05:56:12
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 2,662
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17996186
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Queen_Kit/pseuds/Kitty_Shinju
Summary: Marked as complete as I haven't had any ideas for it in a long time. Formerly Part of Scrambled it decided it needs to stand alone and is attempting to grow. Rated T just in case.*taken from FFN and posted without corrections just because I'm deleting that account soon.**warning EVERYTHING YOU SEE FROM MAGIC KAITO OR CONAN HAS AWFUL FANNISH JAPANESE STUFFseriously... everything was done that way and now I wanna cry it hurts to look at.





	1. My Kaitou Kid

**Author's Note:**

> AN: Not quite an Omake, but it's funny.
> 
> Disclaimer: The characters from Magic Kaitou do not belong to me. I can only torture, I mean, borrow them.  
> \--  
> 2019  
> So I'm re-reading this and fair warning it's OOC and I'm pretty sure a lot of this was to poke fun at certain types of fic that were common but I can't remember.

Earlier this morning Hakuba Saguru had received an urgent phone call; begging him to come to a small farm at a location that his strangely fuzzy mind couldn't recall. That alone was enough to make him suspicious of this job, especially when you added into the mix the fact that he had been called here by a young woman claiming that she needed him to catch "her" Kaitou Kid. It was truly a bizarre situation.

 

He could only presume he was called in by either an obsessed fan who had been trying to bait the Kaitou to come, or that it was Kid himself and that he was playing a prank on him by calling him out to this smelly little farm in god only knows where. Either way Hakuba was fairly certain that he was going to kill this girl in front of him very soon if she didn't start explaining things.

"So let me get this straight I'm here to catch 'your' Kaitou Kid?"

"Yup."

"And what precisely would make him 'yours'?"

"I bought 'im at the County Fair."

"You bought Kaitou Kid at the County fair?"

"Nope, I bought the Kid at the fair. He only became Kaitou Kid when we got 'im home and I named 'im."

He looked incredulously at the girl. "You  _bought_  an internationally wanted thief?"

"No, I bought a Kid, you know one of them baby goats."

Oh yes, he was most certainly going to strangle this girl. He had been called in for some rather inane work before, but this simply took the cake.

"You mean to say to me that you called me all the way out here to god-only-knows-where, to look for a goat?"

"No. I called you 'all the way out here to god-only-knows-where', to look for  _my_  goat.  _My_  Kaitou Kid."

"Why did you name him Kaitou? And why would you require a detective to catch a  _goat_?"

"I called 'im Kaitou because the little bugger's a sneaky little thief. And I called you because you've got a reputation for catching thieves and almost catching Kaitou Kids."

This was one of those days when Hakuba wished most sincerely that he had never come anywhere near the Kaitou Kid case.

"Fine I will help you catch  _your_  'Kaitou Kid', but you're paying me double for playing chase with a goat."

"Deal."

As Hakuba turned to run off and find the thrice be damned goat the girl smiled to herself. Hopefully Hakuba would be able to catch the transfigured thief before he got to far away, if he got off his leash at all that was... This would certainly teach him to run away from  _this_  fangirl. He was  _her_  Kaitou Kid. And even if they both escaped, well it certainly wasn't a day wasted. She got to teach Kid a lesson and watch Hakuba running around from the prime location behind him.

God that boy had a great ass. Oh yeah. That's it. Run Tantei-kun, run.

Hakuba felt a shiver of fear run down his spine and tried to ignore that nagging feeling that fangirls and slash authors were getting sneakier. He kept working on his denial even as he saw with dread that they were approaching a luxurious looking building with an angry goat outside. And that the goat was most certainly far too intelligent looking and was wearing the hat and monocle. Not to mention that it was desperately gnawing at the tether that kept it attached it to the outside of the building as if its life depended on escaping. Nope, this wasn't a slash fic corralling method; this was NOT a slash fic corralling method. Now if only he could make himself believe that.

He whimpered. Sudden denial failure activated. Oh god… This just wasn't gonna be his day.


	2. Embrace It

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Akako is a stand in for every Kaito/Hakuba slash fic author and characters make protestations because no

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer: I don't own the characters from Magic Kaito, nor do I own the song Never Let go, by Josh Groban. However I may have it on CD at home…

Akako cackles gleefully as she throws off her disguise and looks at the two boys she's locked into the cell in front of her. She strikes a pose before shouting, "No one expects the Spanish Inquisition!" She pauses for a moment. "Hmmm, actually that doesn't work for me. They were a bit tacky." She thinks for another moment. "No one expects the Sexy Sorceress!"

Kaitou looks at her, still angry at having been transfigured into a goat all because she wanted to capture them and make real life slash fiction. "We get the point. Now will you let us go?"

She cackles again. "No I will not let you go. Not until you finally admit your undying love for each other."

Hakuba looks horrified. "But I'm not gay!"

Akako glowers at them. "Now boys let's get some things straight. You are men. I am a sorceress. Thus your hearts should belong to me. Obviously they don't and that can only mean one thing. You must be gay. And seeing as you're both obsessed with either catching or pranking the other it makes sense that you would be lovers. And if I can't own your hearts I will own you. Understand."

Hakuba looks at her as if she's crazy. "I'm not property! I don't  _belong_  to anyone!"

She replies with a hint of acid in her voice, "I  _said_  understand."

The two boys nod looking at her fearfully.

"Ok. So now that you understand you belong to me, you have to understand that I know what's best for you. And what is best for you is to be together because you are meant for each other." Hakuba looks as if he wants to protest again, but Kaito shakes his head slightly indicating that Hakuba would be stupid to interrupt while she's speaking. "So what you are going to do is embrace each other and embrace the life outside of the closet."

Hakuba can't contain his protest. "But I'm not gay!" Kaito nods to his statement.

"I said embrace it!" Akako screams.

The two boys immediately wrap their arms around each other while nervously looking at Akako. Akako looks smug as she sees the two boys hug. "Now declare your undying love for each other." She looks at them expectantly.

Hakuba looks at Kaitou and frantically whispers, "Can't you get us out of here?"

Akako continues looking at them expectantly.

"I might be able to get us out, just don't let go." Kaito replies. Hakuba looks at him, scrutinizing his expression for any hint of something suspicious before giving a slight nod.

Kaito hugs Hakuba closer and begins humming the lines "Don't let it go, never let go." Hakuba looks at him horrified before they suddenly disappear in a cloud of smoke.

Akako coughs as the smoke clears. "Damn it! They got away!" She pauses for a moment. "Well at least they hugged this time.


	3. Titanic: Still goes on and on long after you've tried to forget it.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which teleportation is all from the Mind and thinking about sinking ships was a BAD IDEA

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer: Magic Kaitou does not belong to me

Hakuba groaned, "Why did you have to choose  _that_  song, Kid!?"

"It tends to work better when I can concentrate. So I hum whatever comes into my head. I swear to Loki that this has never happened before Tantei-kun." He said looking around at where they had found themselves. As far as they had been able to discover they had landed on the deck of a ship and Kaito had a  _Very Bad Feeling_  about the ship. "Um, Hakub- I mean Tantei-kun… What were you thinking of when I teleported?"

"The Titanic, you arsehole! Every time I hear that line I think of that awful movie because mom thinks it would have been  _'so romantic'_  if they had been playing that when the guy died!" Kaitou pointed to the words printed on the life preserver next to him, "Oh shit."

Kaitou nodded. "I was thinking of a place with no one else around so that we wouldn't get noticed. I think we somehow ended up on an empty titanic."

Hakuba closed his eyes and winced as if in pain. "So now we have to figure out how to get off of this ship, preferably before it hits the iceberg. However we have no idea where we actually are, what time it is, and what heading the ship is on."

"And I can't port again for another Twenty Four hours tantei-kun. I can only use epic spells once every day unless it's the night of a heist and I'm powered up by the magic card Otou-san's revenge."

"What?"

"I mean, using spells that powerful takes a lot out of me. I have to wait and recover a bit after I use them, and this feels like one of those times where it's going to be a while. The only time I seem to be able to do-  _more_ " he said for lack of another word, "Is on heist nights." He sighed, "I've been playing far too many games with Ao- I mean, my associates - this past month." He muttered.

Hakuba sighed. "Look for now, as we seem to be in this together, we might as well at least put other things aside for now. Let's just work together Kaito-kun and when this is all over we can both pretend it never happened."

The thief relaxed fractionally. "Alright, Hakuba-san."

Hakuba nodded. "I suggest we check the dining areas to see if we can find any food and then… rest, recharge, and hope to God that we have all the time we need before a giant chunk of ice with a grudge rips a hole into the boat and kills us."

"You're so  _optimistic_  Hakuba-san."

"You try being optimistic after having your mother make you watch Titanic seventeen times all the while remarking on how  _Romantic_  it was to  _freeze to death_!"

"Ouch."  
_

Unfortunately recovery took longer than Kaito had expected. Luckily there were enough supplies on the ship that they were in no danger from starvation, freezing, or any of those other  _pleasant_ things. However Two days after their arrival Kaito was rudely awoken by Hakuba bursting into the room he had chosen for himself.

"Brace for impact Kaito. We're about to hit th-" there was a very loud noise and the ship jolted, "Iceberg."

Kaitou jumped out of his bed, feeling strangely energized. "EVERYONE OFF THE SHIP! TANTEI'S AND KAITOU'S FIRST!"

And with that he grabbed Hakuba and ported away.

"This had better work out right this time, Kaito-kun." growled Hakuba.


	4. Just Lucky That Way

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which the Author was probably watching too much Yu-Gi-Oh at the same time because Cardgames and D&D ahoy!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer: I do not own Magic Kaito, Detective Conan, or Dungeons and Dragons.
> 
> AN: Many thanks to Snowfire (devgil FFN) for beta work. I bow to his much superior knowledge of DnD… despite Kaito's tampering with the rules… Kaito, you need to thank the nice guy for his time. He did help rewrite your lines… KAITO KUROBA THAT IS NOT THE WAY WE SAY THANK YOU. Sorry about that folks… onto the story.

Hakuba sighed and looked around, "What deserted wasteland have you landed us in this time Kuroba."

"I keep telling you! You need to be less pessimistic! You keep on messing with my rolls and forcing me to random roll for our destination. It's not my fault that the dice telling us where to go hate you!"

Hakuba arched his brow, "Hate me? Hardly, Kuroba. The simple fact is that you've loaded the dice in order to irritate me." He glared. "And I assure you it's working."

"I did not! You think I like being out in the middle of nowhere any more than you do!"

Hakuba snorted in derision, a rather ungentlemanly thing to do, but understandable due to their current predicament. It was twelve weeks and seven teleports after their departure from the desolate Titanic Mach 2. Every teleport so far had landed them in desolated wastelands with little food or water and no signs of civilization. Patience was wearing thin and tempers were running high.

"If you would just have some FAITH we would be in town by now!"

"Right like I'm going to believe you can get me to town when you haven't managed it the last  _nine_  times! You have some nerve blaming this all on me. If you just had a higher Spellcraft score, we would be in town already! It has nothing to do with me! Now try it again."

Kaito growled. "As you wish, Baka Tantei."

And they vanished. Reappearing in a cave with every available surface covered in cards from all manner of children's card games.

"Damnit Hakuba! Your Mystra-be-damned compulsion affected the dice this time and redirected my teleport into an encounter! We've landed in a monster's den and if you're quite happy with what you've done, I need to role the encounter level!"

"Really you think I'm going to fall for that. You had this planned all along." He hissed. "I'm tired of being dragged around by an incompetent reprobate like you. I'll trust the rest of this journey to my own two feet. And next time I'm calling Aoko to be DM. I hear she doesn't rig the blasted dice." He said turning towards the exit. However the exit was suddenly blocked by a large stone. Hakuba growled in frustration. Considering he had poured all of his skill points into Diplomacy and other skills useful for investigations, he knew his few points in Climb would not be enough to get over the boulder.

"I don't think you'll be going anywhere." Growled the monster that had put the stone into his path. "No where except my belly!" It finished laughing.

"Kuroba! This isn't funny. I swear if you don't get us out of here I'm going to-"

"Your funny caped companion's teleportation skill won't help you now Blondie. No one leaves my den unless they can defeat me in a children's card game."

"I tried to warn you, tantei-san." Snarked Kaito. "We've landed in the den of a high encounter level monster. If I'm not mistaken we're looking at an Elder Trickster Dragon. We have to play his game or he'll devour us and it'll be game over." He glared at Hakuba. "This is all your fault."

"It's hardly all my fault Kuroba. You're the one holding the Dungeon Ma-"

"SILENCE! Enough Talking Puny Foodstuffs! It's time to play OLD MONSTER!"

Hakuba walked over to the cave wall and proceeded to methodically bang his head against the wall until he was forcibly dragged back over to the gaming table.

"The rules are simple. There are thirteen cards in a suit and four suits in a deck making twenty six pairs in a deck. After the cards are dealt you draw a card from the player on your right. The cards in your hand must be shuffled before the next player can draw. There is one Joker in this deck. When all the matches have been made and put aside the one holding the Joker is the Old Monster. If one of you is holding the old monster I get to devour you both. If, however, I am holding the joker you may go free. But know this! I've  _never_  lost a game of old monster!" He laughed evilly and threw the deck of Cards at Kaito. "As the soon to be deceased I give you the advantage of dealing the cards. Not that it will help you."

However this was a fortuitous event for our heroes. Unknown to many, Kaito's level 1 feat had been King of Games which gave him and any of his allies a +10 luck bonus to all games involving chance.

Kaito grinned mysterious and swished his cape around him and Hakuba wondered when he had put the cape on. He was certain that he hadn't had it on the Titanic Mach 2… But then there was a flash of light and it seemed like a smoke bomb was dropped and standing before him was Kaitou Kid, his mental filing system informed him (reference: thief, magician, possible vigilante, nuisance, annoyance, general pain in the neck, neon tie die, and professional police thwarting).

"Kaitou Kid grinned like a maniac his white teeth gleaming his white suit freshly pressed, cape stirring only a little as there was a sudden breeze, Hat casting his face into shadow, and monocle covering one eye making him look like quite the handsome devil if he did say so himsel-"

Hakuba growled and glared, "Just get on with it already Kuroba."

Kid pouted, "You never let me have any fun Tantei-san, and you  _know_ ," He practically whined, "That I am most assuredly not Kuroba." Hakuba just stared at him his right eye developing a noticeable tic. Kid sighed, "Fine, Fine, I'll get on with it then."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> AN: Up next on "To Catch the Kaitou Kid" An exciting game of Old Monster in which somehow Kid manages to cheat!
> 
> Wait... that's... not really surprising is it?
> 
> 2019 - dear potential reader I have no idea where this was going and what Old Monster was supposed to be unless it was a version of Old Maid and just.... yeah... that's it.

**Author's Note:**

> AN: please excuse any errors. I have no Beta. Hope you enjoyed this!


End file.
